Incest is such a small word for the vast devastation and destruction left in its path. A little girl, seven years old, lay with a pillow over her head to drown out the screams of her six year old sister being raped by her father in the next room. That was the beginning of ten years of sexual abuse to which I was subjected to by my father. My mind, with a wisdom all its own, has completely blocked out that night. My grandfather added to the horror by molesting me for about two years, often with my grandmother in the same room. I was the second of four girls, all sexually abused by my father and grandfather.

I reported the abuse to the police when I was thirteen, after disclosing it to my nineteen year old boyfriend. I was pregnant and unsure of whether it was my father's or my boyfriends so decided I must tell. He convinced me to tell the police to protect my other sisters in the home. I did but it was 1960, and police did not believe incest victims then. Particularly in a family like mine. They reluctantly took my statement then demanded to know why I was angry with my father.

They added to the trauma by immediately cutting off all contact with my boyfriend (my only source of support), calling my parents and informing them of the allegations I had made then sent me home on a bus! Needless to say, by the time I arrived home, the forces had rallied with denial, hostility and anger. I was hidden in a basement for two weeks by my grandmother, until the family cooled and I had agreed to apologize to my father and tell the police I had lied.

Things were never the same after that. I went from being an honor student (scholarship and citizenship awards every year) to prostituting in Vancouver, and jailed twice, and court ordered back to the custody of my parents at age fifteen. Within weeks of my arrival home, the sexual abuse by my father began all over again so I married at age 16 to get out of the home.

My story is one of hundreds of thousands, some more extensive, some less. The point is that it doesn't matter if it happened once or for ten years, the effects are just as devastating depending on what goes on inside your head. It is important to understand that you had no control over what happened to you as a child - you are not to blame. BUT you do have control over what happens in your life now. Sexual abuse doesn't have to be total devastation for the rest of your life. There is a better life for you out there. I can't fix things for you but I can give you some tools to rebuild with. What you do with those tools will be up to you. It's not so much what happens in your life that matters but what you choose to do with it. When you are ready to start seeking answers and take back your control, drop me a line and I will help in whatever way I can.

I now have 8 granddaughters, ages 6 to 16, and not one has been sexually abused! This is the first of five generations without sexual abuse. The cycle can be broken but only you can make it possible. Breaking the silence, breaks the power and control of abusers

Your reactions for now are normal for what you have been through. It took a long time to reach the point where you are now and it will "take more time" to rebuild and find the peace and happiness you so richly deserve.